The world accordingly...

Today I mainly did nothing. I fought with David, Played monopoly and came to Stacy's. Im here now, babysitting. Which i love. I love them kids too DEATH! And I like helping Stacy. I'd go crazy if I was Stacy and Dan! 4 kids...I dont know how they do it, so i like to help sometimes. Or atleast try lol. I love it when they let me babysit Layla (which doesn't happen very often) Because it makes me feel like they really trust me. I understand though, she really hates bein away from her mommy. Im so happy she's up and walkin around. Our theory is that its our fault because the floor was dirty alot and she didnt have anywhere to walk! lol jk Yeah, she so cute. Her and Greg are adorable, I think its so cool that they are the same age.

Doesn't everyone like Stacy's hair!? Cute huh!? lol I wish mine was as long as hers was! lol But it's gettin there.

Riley and Ryder are playin operation right now, I just got done playin checkers with Riley. I love playin with them lol. Board games are so fun! Im such a nerd!
I remember when Stacy Dan and my sisters would always play board games... that never happens anymore. I miss things like that.

I find myself always being sad when I think of the past. When I think of how I always used to go to Stacy's and play with Roxanna, Liz, and the boys. And now im lucky if I see Roxanna once in a week, Tim maybe once a month, and Michael never. But luckally I see Liz everyday because we live together,I dont know what ill do when she moves out and im all alone. But maybe alone will be good.

Anyways, getting off subject, I really never see Dan either. I sure do miss that kid. I get sad when I think about holidays and get excited thinking Im going out to grandmas and everyones going to be there! But then I remember, Grandma is in the nursing home... and everything is just so messed up. When my grandma had a stroke it seemed like my whole world game crashing down. I mean she seemed so strong...I never would of seen that coming. My Grandpa died in September and that was also very sad. But atleast he's not suffering anymore, and he's looking down on me. But Grandma... well it just seems like shes sitting there, just waiting for it. I hate that thought. If I was her I dont know what i would do. It just doesn't seem right. I want to fix it but I cant. I hate this feeling. It almost seems like failure eventhough I didnt do anything wrong. Except I should see her more. But it only makes me sad seeing her the way she is. But I love how her eyes light up when she sees me. But when I leave I want to cry. I hate it. I hate the way this all had to happen. I need my grandma...and grandma...and aunt...and uncles... I want everything to be different but i cant change it. I would if i could and I would make everything better.

Its hard for me to beleive in God sometimes. I mean why would he do this? Why would he make people sad? There are so many unanswered questions about god.... Who made god? Where was he before he made all of this? Stuff like that...But I know I should just beleive...but its hard sometimes...i guess thats where faith comes in.

I feel like I dont even know my mom anymore. I never talk to her unless it's asking her a question. It would be nice for her to come sit by me on the couch and watch tv with me or talk to me acutally. But I guess she is busy.

My grandma is the same way, but i just annoy her. I pretty much annoy everyone. Its the normal i suppose. But i can't change who i am, and if i could...well, I wouldn't.

I love going to Stacy's. Its because I like being surrounded by family. The part of my family that acutally wants me their... and when im there the kids actually want me to do stuff with them and play with them... not like everywhere else where everyone wants me to shut up and leave them alone.

So i talked to liz about how I am never alone and I need alone time and about how I don't see how she's not like me (my attitude). Unfortunitly its because she cries...she cries instead. I feel so bad for her... But she atleast gets to leave...but the bad thing...is that she's leaving me... all alone...when im at my house it will be like im in my own little world.

Well Stacy, that means you'll probably be seein more of me, if thats possible...